he's been payin' all the bills for years.

In my teenage years I didn't much care for sleep.  I was often spotted using Warren Zevon's words; "I'll sleep when I'm dead."  I rarely took a nap on purpose, and I definitely used sleep as a means of escape from illness or as an excuse to get out of something.

Converse to that, I have always loved to stay in bed.  Not necessarily to sleep more, but to just lay there and drift in and out, listening to whatever was going on in the next room or upstairs.  At sleep-overs it was a means of finding out what someone's parents liked to watch in the mornings, or seeing if my friend was an early or late riser.  I wake up at a reasonable time, usually, but I have been known to stare my friends down until they are finally back in the land of the living.  Sometimes it's too hard to tell if that trick works, since the person always eventually wakes up (everybody wakes up sometimes, even certain coma patients.)  The hard part is deciding if you were actually staring for two hours, or if it only felt like it.

Part of my aversion to sleep was drawn from my susceptibility to snoring.  If all of the correct stars align (positioning, level of congestion, level of stress, drunkenness, &c.), then I will surely set up shop at a lumber mill that night.  (That's a clever way of saying "sawin' logs," which is a funny way of saying "snoring."  I would like to apply for ten points, please.)  Lately I have decided that if I end up snoring, you can just wake me up and make me sleep somewhere else.  I definitely won't stop snoring if you just wake me up, though.  I'll just go back to sleep, guys, it's not like I can control my breathing while I'm unconscious.  Also, Lately I've been grinding my teeth, which also helps to prevent snoring (a double edged sword; my jaw hurts).

But all of this has only acted to keep me from understanding the joy of naps.  With all of my friends in the middle of finals, napping seems to be a highly desired event right now.  One which I have been taking full advantage of, and even really loving lately.  Sometimes you've just gotta take a break, you know?  When did it become so fun?  Is it the cold, maybe?  The only time until recently when I have really liked napping this much was when I lived in my dad's basement junior and senior year, and the sun was going down around 4 o'clock (early spring), and would shine in through my egress window's blinds, into my room just before it was eclipsed by my neighbor's house.  Under no other circumstances did I really volunteer for a nap.  Sun naps or no naps.  "I'll sleep when I'm dead."

But then, one day not too long ago, I told someone (at 9 pm) that I needed a nap.  He responded "I don't think they're called naps this late at night."  I used my sass and said, "Everything is a nap if you wake up from it."  I got a laugh.  Then I started to think about naps more.  Then, I started to nap more.  And, as if all you ever need to do to really love something is try it with an open mind, I'm a napper now.  If I didn't have so much to do this evening, I might take a nap!  But, I've neglected my dishes for far too long, and last night I took a (very long) bath.  Time to clean that shit.

I know I use a lot of parenthesis.  I do it in real life, too, you just can't see them coming out of my mouth.
What are your thoughts on napping?

in youth's spring

Okay, so I seriously need to downsize my life, in order that I don't feel so much like I have to stay put.
Because, really really really I wanna be able to go anywhere, for a while.  I want to go on a field trip, maybe?  Into the mountains (south,) or to the beach (further south.)


When is winter break for all of you?  Let's plan a road trip.

promise me that you'll cherish this

Alright, so I have been getting butterflies in my stomach again, lately.  And, drinking coffee.  Also, telling jokes.

I realized that I had been surrounding myself with a much more arrogant set than one should, and that I was letting them play out their arrogance.  I recoiled, went back to the friends I already knew and loved, while leaving the former to be their own way.  Some were humbled (and some were not,) but I have returned to giving them hope.  I have a lot of confidence in myself, so their self-importance no longer suppresses my free speech, because it's something I believe everyone deserves.  I've also found that other people have begun to speak against the pretension (and, in some cases, these people are strangers.)  It seems all very healthy.

I also came to the realization that common interest with someone is a very powerful weapon against self-hatred.  There is a certain sense of retribution that goes along with it.  And, as far as opinions go, you'd be surprised how many people share yours.  For how different we are, it is very important to realize how the same we are.

I learned that I need grow to love myself, but to do so in order that I may grow to love others in turn.

I remembered not to be afraid of talking it out.  My feelings, experiences, and views are just as valuable as those of anyone else, right?

You'll be happy to know: that's a rhetorical question.

meet me halfway.

So, my clothes have sprawled out all across my floor.  It's going to take at least three hours to do all of my laundry.  This is the reality of mental illness.  When it becomes more than words on a screen or crying to a friend over the phone and it actually starts interrupting your life.  I'm going to flip my light switch on, sort this shit, hang up the stuff that's not actually dirty (which is probably a lot of it,) and then get it clean.

Cleaning is the fun part of getting better.

turn that shit up!

At work, my new job is to "keep busy." This has proven a very difficult feat. I need to get more creative or ambitious in order to make my pay worth it. The cons of speeding up the process at a restaurant: There is more free time, which is not as fun at work as it is anywhere else.

I have been craving a walk up Bluemont Hill. I want to just be up there. It rained today and maybe all night (so far,) but I think I might still go today. It always makes me really appreciate myself to see the whole town and realize that I am a shining display of individuality in a town brimming with wonderful people and trees and animals. Topeka-zation or not, Manhattan is the bee's knees.

I have taken to sitting in the dark, again. In fact, I have picked up quite a few old habits since I have been feeling so depressed lately. Showering and bathing in the dark is an old favorite. These are all things I do to make myself feel good about being sad, not necessarily to make me feel, actually, better. I'm not quite sure the remedy. Cereal for dinner two nights in a row surely can't be it, but it sure doesn't hurt (especially if I go on that walk!?)

About a week and a half ago I had this one night stand, which I also thought would brighten my spirits. Sex is just not as good when you don't really want to sleep with the person. Especially if you don't want to fall asleep with the person. I have been known to skip out on many morning afters. This was one I couldn't avoid, and I'm kind of pissed at myself for putting me in that position. Damn!

Halloween was definitely very strange. Too many jell-o shots, too much smoke. I definitely need to refrain from getting "yo-sista'd" ever again. It seriously robs me of my memory and free will. I just become a blur of waves and giggles, and I don't even remember half of what happened at all! I hate it, absolutely. Being a crazy party boy (boi, if we're going to be politically correct,) is not all it's cracked up to be. My eyes are half, half of the time. Time to chill out and just drink brewskies. Also, no natty or keystone kegs ever again. My innards hurt all day Saturday from three cups of beer on Friday. No good.

things about my week that were interesting:

I thought I was coming down with a severe case of illness on Monday, so I stayed home from work and slept until one in the afternoon (how do you do that if you're not ill?,) and then got up and took a long bath. Things improved (the water was hot.) The new season of Heroes premiered and I had some things to say about it, but not as many things as Chad had to say about it.

I went to work on Tuesday with no incident. I did wake up late and couldn't find my keys, so I had to wake Marge up and have her take me to work. I feel bad about the whole thing. But, my keys were just behind a watermelon.

Today I walked to work, as usual. It was pretty chilly out- only 54 degrees! I'm so excited for fall I could melt (so, it's a good thing it's getting colder.) Seeing people in layers is one of my biggest delights. Dressing myself in layers is an even bigger delight. Deee-lite, even.

Last week I decided to start getting an associates degree via online schooling through community college. I couldn't feel better about this decision.

This weekend, I will begin learning new things again! I'm going to the Prairie Festival with Libby, since it's her birthday. There's a barn dance and a dinner and so many lectures! I'm excited to come home and finally have something to talk about.

Blogblogblogblogblogblogblogbl

possible titles for any book i would write:

"mallgoth: a memoir"
"she was way cooler on the phone, last night"
"is this okay?"
"WAYS I MIGHT WANT TO DIE: a comprehensive and optimistic guide"
"Your Mother"
"this is a book i wrote"
"These Cigarettes Won't Smoke Themselves"
"I have an itch."
"What is your name? I'm going to put it in my journal."
and, finally:
"it's okay, you don't have to swallow if you don't want to."

Notepad Note Novels

So, my textphone has a "notepad" option, very similar to "WordPad" on computers. So similar, in fact, that it's the same thing. Sometimes I forget to bring my moleskine book to work, so when I use the facilities I have nothing to write in (I work at a pizza parlor, so the best time to write is in the bathroom.) One such day I was flipping through my phone and noticed that there were a bunch of things written in my notepad, all from Rachel Quinn. I deleted most of them to make room for my own poems, but because of them I decided to start using my phone to write poems.
Here are some:
"Notepad Note Novels" - April 27, 7:42 pm

"You know how celebrities always die in threes? Well, who else but Billy Mays would throw in a fourth for free?" - July 1, 12:08 am

"In a dream you were my hands" - July 7, 2:16 pm

"Because nothing is stronger than nature, not even nature." - July 12, 2:46 pm

"Little snippets of how i felt about my father" - July 17, 4:38 pm

"Stars light up to about sixty percent." - July 24, 2:23 pm

"All that I could hear was she, was staring back into us. A force of "goodbye, thanks for everything," in which you could feel embers of "don't bring me here" and shards of broken glass saying we were done and your embrace wasn't even mine to want anymore." - July 24, 3:29 pm

"And that was his last moment with us, the lights low as he sat across the room with his own, private rendition of 'O Fortuna' - a pretty and honest falsetto." - July 30, 2:43 pm

"A new worst way to feel." - July 30, 7:37 pm

"Broken up bits of wax lay still as a beauty mark. The ravine is deep but the boat is wide." September 2, 10:53 am

Wonderful.

I've spent the past few days trying to get back to myself, because I got too wrapped up in trying to please a friend of mine. Her involvement in my life has become more of a trial than a merry happening, at times, but I never address her offenses while they happen. Because I am not proactive, the problem isn't getting solved. Woops.

Last night I partied with sorority girls. It was fantastic and amazing. Essence and I discussed weaves. Typical.

In good news, today is Beyonce's birthday, I got a raise, and I think I might actually get labor day off.
In bad news, I am still a nervous nancy when it comes to boys.

Love,
Your Pokemon Boyfriend.

your very own love life.

This is where I will put my musings.
I can't promise you that you'll love it, but I'll be your Pokemon Boyfriend if you'll be my Loving Bride or Groom.