Tuesday, November 24, 2009

in youth's spring

Okay, so I seriously need to downsize my life, in order that I don't feel so much like I have to stay put.
Because, really really really I wanna be able to go anywhere, for a while.  I want to go on a field trip, maybe?  Into the mountains (south,) or to the beach (further south.)

When is winter break for all of you?  Let's plan a road trip.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

promise me that you'll cherish this

Alright, so I have been getting butterflies in my stomach again, lately.  And, drinking coffee.  Also, telling jokes.

I realized that I had been surrounding myself with a much more arrogant set than one should, and that I was letting them play out their arrogance.  I recoiled, went back to the friends I already knew and loved, while leaving the former to be their own way.  Some were humbled (and some were not,) but I have returned to giving them hope.  I have a lot of confidence in myself, so their self-importance no longer suppresses my free speech, because it's something I believe everyone deserves.  I've also found that other people have begun to speak against the pretension (and, in some cases, these people are strangers.)  It seems all very healthy.

I also came to the realization that common interest with someone is a very powerful weapon against self-hatred.  There is a certain sense of retribution that goes along with it.  And, as far as opinions go, you'd be surprised how many people share yours.  For how different we are, it is very important to realize how the same we are.

I learned that I need grow to love myself, but to do so in order that I may grow to love others in turn.

I remembered not to be afraid of talking it out.  My feelings, experiences, and views are just as valuable as those of anyone else, right?

You'll be happy to know: that's a rhetorical question.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

meet me halfway.

So, my clothes have sprawled out all across my floor.  It's going to take at least three hours to do all of my laundry.  This is the reality of mental illness.  When it becomes more than words on a screen or crying to a friend over the phone and it actually starts interrupting your life.  I'm going to flip my light switch on, sort this shit, hang up the stuff that's not actually dirty (which is probably a lot of it,) and then get it clean.

Cleaning is the fun part of getting better.

Monday, November 2, 2009

turn that shit up!

At work, my new job is to "keep busy." This has proven a very difficult feat. I need to get more creative or ambitious in order to make my pay worth it. The cons of speeding up the process at a restaurant: There is more free time, which is not as fun at work as it is anywhere else.

I have been craving a walk up Bluemont Hill. I want to just be up there. It rained today and maybe all night (so far,) but I think I might still go today. It always makes me really appreciate myself to see the whole town and realize that I am a shining display of individuality in a town brimming with wonderful people and trees and animals. Topeka-zation or not, Manhattan is the bee's knees.

I have taken to sitting in the dark, again. In fact, I have picked up quite a few old habits since I have been feeling so depressed lately. Showering and bathing in the dark is an old favorite. These are all things I do to make myself feel good about being sad, not necessarily to make me feel, actually, better. I'm not quite sure the remedy. Cereal for dinner two nights in a row surely can't be it, but it sure doesn't hurt (especially if I go on that walk!?)

About a week and a half ago I had this one night stand, which I also thought would brighten my spirits. Sex is just not as good when you don't really want to sleep with the person. Especially if you don't want to fall asleep with the person. I have been known to skip out on many morning afters. This was one I couldn't avoid, and I'm kind of pissed at myself for putting me in that position. Damn!

Halloween was definitely very strange. Too many jell-o shots, too much smoke. I definitely need to refrain from getting "yo-sista'd" ever again. It seriously robs me of my memory and free will. I just become a blur of waves and giggles, and I don't even remember half of what happened at all! I hate it, absolutely. Being a crazy party boy (boi, if we're going to be politically correct,) is not all it's cracked up to be. My eyes are half, half of the time. Time to chill out and just drink brewskies. Also, no natty or keystone kegs ever again. My innards hurt all day Saturday from three cups of beer on Friday. No good.